“Sometimes it feels as if my heart might explode from anxiety and desire from what is and what it hopes for in this life.”
When you’re a young boy in high school, struggling through with teenage angst and the desire to be the “top dog” in your grade and appreciated by most people, you’ve got a certain mindset, a certain schedule you keep. You wake up at 6:30 in the morning, and refuse to move so you wait another 15 minutes in bed, resulting in your missing the bus and your mother having to drive you to school with the common lecture of why you must be more responsible. Going through the day, you think of what you’re going to do after school, how much you’re going to neglect doing assignments due the next day and how much you want Friday to be here already. Friday, isn’t that eventful, you sit around with your friends and play video games or go for a drive and come home at 4 in the morning after a night of monopoly. You’re young, you don’t care and you just want to have fun.
There comes a day when you leave that angst behind, and realize you’re the “top dog” in your personal life, in your mind, and walk with confidence - far from the thin line of cockiness. You look at how you present yourself more, leaving the old rebellious wardrobe of a punk/post-rock wannabe in the hall of your junior year, sitting next to your old musty locker. Rather, you present yourself with a well fashioned pair of shoes that accentuate your confident stride - simple as well as well tailored and fitting shirts make themselves at home in your wardrobe, lending that maturity and growth that you’ve been looking for. Waking up at 2 in the afternoon on weekends becomes an annoyance and you aim to wake up on dime, to make your morning worth it and fill it with experiences, accomplished work and great times with friends and family. Your personal health and accomplishments become more important, and the aspect of money less - but, just for that fact, you still work hard, to be stable and comfortable. Long-term goals are set, wisdom is gladly accepted, you become less tense and more relaxed, social and outgoing - you put the most important things first and open your day for a new day to lead you new places.
Here’s to being a man, that makes your younger-self proud.
I’ve been fussing over where to transfer to for over a month now - swtiching between Colorado, Georgia, New York, Illinois and so on. I’m getting tired of not making a decision, and more eager to move somewhere and experience a different atmosphere.
There are decisions to be made, and they will be.